Nocticadia

Content Warning: This section of the guide includes discussion of illness, death, death by suicide, graphic violence, sexual harassment, physical abuse, child abuse, suicidal ideation, racism, gender discrimination, and cursing.

“Screams. Black worms. Vacant eyes.

With a shake of my head, I buried those thoughts in the shadows of my mind, refusing to let them consume me. No. Not tonight.”

Lilia struggles with The Impact of Past Trauma on Present Actions from the beginning of the novel. After establishing the ambiguous events of her mother’s death in Chapter 1, her story shifts to the narrative present four years later in Chapter 2, opening with a line that makes it clear how she hasn’t moved on in that time. She seeks a medical degree to discover the cause of her mother’s death, but she also feels emotionally inhibited in these goals by the lingering psychological impact of the strange and violent circumstances in which her mother passed.

“I’d never had the chance to be wild and untamed [like my mother], though. Always felt more like the flame in those electric fireplaces—a fake contained by glass, without much potential to do anything. Life had shackled me the moment she’d gotten sick, and somehow, I just couldn’t break from those chains.”

This passage conveys how Lilia’s concerns about her life stretch beyond the practical impact of her mother’s death; she also worries about her identity, as she is now 20 and feels like she is no closer to achieving her goals or defining who she is. She feels haunted by the memory of her mother, who was so full of life, and worries that she pales in comparison. This aligns with the advice often given by her friend and coworker Jayda, who tells her to “be audacious” in an effort to help Lilia embrace her individuality and prioritize her needs over the fear, grief, and guilt she feels due to her past.